A package a day keeps the savings away. Because why would anyone want a backup plan when that money could simply burn a credit card-sized hole in your Kate Spade bag? Spare the bag, spend the money before things get too hot.

I’m falling into old habits. I don’t know if it’s because it’s getting colder and I’m getting out less, that I’ve been sick for almost two weeks and I’m getting out less, or if I’m bored/bargaining/afraid of real change. Truth be told, it’s probably the latter. I’d been doing so well with not spending excessively and moving out things I don’t really need or want, and I think that subconsciously freaked me out; I think I did the same thing with my weight for a while, not letting myself move below 250 because I didn’t think I deserved it somehow. My brain lived so long in crisis mode that it doesn’t know what to do when there isn’t one, so it must create them – and that’s sad, and a bit scary. So my checking account is slowly dwindling down so that I can have the latest mystery boxes from Jeffree Star Cosmetics, advent calendars, home/skincare/etc. subscription boxes, and Shein orders that I’ll regret later. Seriously, between the Shein shopping and the stupid amount that I just dropped on FB Live sales at the local consignment store, I could open my own boutique. Roughly half of that Shein order is being returned though; I bought multiple New Years’ Eve dresses in denial that bodycon styles make me look like the Michelin Man, and it doesn’t make sense to drop $100 on makeup that won’t even be the quality of Wet n’ Wild when I just gave Jeffree a bunch of my money. So hey, there’s a little bit of dignity I’ll get back. These installment pay options just make it too easy – Afterpay, Klarna, Affirm – it’s almost as bad as credit cards, because before you know it, the shopping just gets away from you and then you’re shelling out half your paycheck every two weeks to the habit. And Affirm might be the worst, because there are financing options – pay every two weeks, or pay every month for 6-12 months at a premium. It was better when QVC held the exclusive rights to Easy Pay.

So right now my office is one literal clothes pile. I wish I were exaggerating. And there’s at least 3 bags I haven’t even unleashed to the room yet. I wish boyfriend weren’t going to work from home tomorrow, because then I could take command of the bedroom to somehow wrangle this obscene mess with a Flip n’ Fold. I could handle the mess a bit more if it weren’t for the number of things I still need to move out. Right before I got sick, I had rented a small storage space again because I had given into the fact that my closet is not serving me and I can no longer handle a small pile of crates and storage tubs in the corner. This apartment is temporary, and my permanent keeps are just too much for it to contain. Unfortunately I don’t have it in me to run the stairs the 50 times it would take to rotate the stuff out and make room for the new, and it has me panicked. These are the moments when I feel like living alone is underrated – you can deal with your crap over time and no one is going to say anything about how long it takes, or make comments on its mere existence. Now it’s like I’m racing against the clock – because if boyfriend has comments on the hoodie I left on the bed, he’s going to have a full take on the possibly sentient amalgam of shirts, jackets, and accessories creating a lovely focal point in my office. And I don’t want to hear it.

I will master the mess, even if it means I relapse. It’s fine, I’m fine. Check in with me again on Wednesday to see if I’m still singing that tune.

Thanks for waiting with me.

chelseainwaiting